Protector With A Past Page 4

  She was using his own words against him, but she felt no compunction. She couldn't wipe out the mistake that had ended her career—the mistake that no one knew about but herself and a dead man—but she could try to bridge the chasm she'd so unthinkingly created between herself and the child she'd vowed to protect.

  She owed it to the best friends she'd ever had. Sheila and Paul had put their trust in her, and she'd let them down. She wanted the chance to make things right again, and her desperation must have shown in her eyes.

  "I should know better than to try to talk you out of something you really want." Cord glanced at the dark shape of the old boathouse with resignation. "It didn't work when you were Lizbet's age, it didn't work when you were sixteen and wanted to ride my motorcycle, and it's not going to work now, is it? But be careful. I'll be standing right outside, so if you think the damned thing's going to go, call out to me."

  He turned to the path that led to the boathouse and then paused. Swiftly he pulled her to him and kissed her hard on the mouth. Just as swiftly he released her, his expression unreadable. "Twenty-three months, four days and two hours," he said tersely. "You were my addiction."

  He held her shocked gaze for the space of a heartbeat and then gave her an ironic half smile. "Walking out of your life was the one thing I never should have let you talk me into. I'm not going to let you do it a second time."

  He lightly traced the corner of her mouth, still soft from his kiss. Then he turned and set off quickly down the path. After a startled moment she ran after him, her thoughts a chaotic whirl.

  He hadn't changed at all, she thought in frustrated confusion as they hastened to the water's edge and the rickety building that ran alongside the dock. He'd always had more confidence in her than she'd had in herself, always seen her as strong and capable and supremely in control of any situation. Tonight had been the first time a crack had appeared in his golden-girl image of her, but already he seemed to have forgotten the messy vulnerability she'd displayed in front of him.

  After she'd sent him away it had taken long enough for her to reach some kind of equilibrium in her emotional existence, as sterile and empty as that existence had been. How was she supposed to cope if he came back into her life again?

  The door of the boathouse was slightly ajar, and Cord carefully pulled it open wide, wincing as it creaked on its rusted hinges. Shutting her mind to what had just happened between them with an effort, Julia narrowed her gaze and looked past him into the darkness, but it was almost impossible to see anything inside. She knew that the floor ran around the perimeter of the building and in the middle was the long-disused boat slip—in actual fact, a large square opening in the floor to the lake below. She could just make out the oily ripple of water where the floor abruptly ended, but there hadn't been boats kept there for years.

  Lizbet was in there somewhere, behind the clutter of boxes and old tarpaulins and rusty motor parts. Despite any other doubts she might have, Julia knew she hadn't been wrong about that. The child was here and she was still in danger. As if to underline her apprehension, the wind from the lake outside freshened as it always did just before dawn, and the timbers creaked ominously. The structure was in worse repair than she'd realized, she thought in alarm.

  As Cord held the whining King back and followed her with a worried gaze, Julia stepped nervously into the darkness and started edging her way toward the back of the boathouse.

  With her first step she felt the sponginess of rot underfoot, the unexpected give where there should have been solidity. Through the flimsy soles of her scuffs she felt the pebble-like pressure of a nailhead that had risen higher than the floorboard it originally had been meant to secure. She gingerly put her full weight onto her leg and held her breath. The floor sagged but didn't break.

  There was a rustling sound by the far wall, on the other side of the dully gleaming rectangle in the middle of the boathouse and then a muffled splash as something slipped into the water Julia tried to control her shudder, but she couldn't prevent the unpleasant prickling sensation that lifted the skin at the back of her neck. Water rats. It was bad enough knowing that they were scurrying around her in the dark, but feeling something bump against her underwater would send her right over the edge of panic. She only hoped that Lizbet didn't know what those scuffling noises meant.

  She was halfway to the pile of boxes now, and she paused. Keeping her voice low, she spoke into the darkness, pray mg that her presence wouldn't frighten the little girl into any sudden movement.

  "It's me, Lizbet—your Aunt Julia. Uncle Cord's waiting outside for us."

  She slid her foot carefully a few inches forward and felt the sickening emptiness of a missing section of floor. Sweat beaded like ice water on her forehead as she realized that Lizbet must have come this way herself only a short time before. That the child had made it safely to her dangerous refuge had been nothing short of a miracle, Julia thought shakily. She felt for a more secure footing and edged closer.

  "I don't blame you for running away, and no one's going to make you come back if you're not ready to. But I've got something important to tell you. I want you to know I'm really, really sorry for making you feel sad back at the house."

  She'd reached the pile of crates. Listening intently, she thought she could hear the soft sound of an indrawn breath behind one of them. The floor where she was standing felt more solid than the surrounding area, and she cautiously lowered herself to her knees. It was frightening enough here in the unfamiliar dark. The child whose trust she was trying to win didn't need a disembodied voice floating down at her from on high.

  "Do you know what a good luck charm is, Lizbet? It's like a rabbit's foot or maybe a shiny penny that you keep in your pocket for luck." She saw a gleam of white sneaker edging from behind the crate, but she went on with careful casualness. "But there are bad luck charms, too—and that's what I thought I was for you. I thought if you stayed with me I would bring you bad luck, Lizbet. Thinking that that made me so afraid that I thought you'd be safer somewhere else."

  Slowly a tiny, heart-shaped face peered out from the pile of boxes. In the gloom, Lizbet's eyes were wide and solemn. She looked ready to dart back into her makeshift sanctuary at any sudden movement.

  "Except then I remembered something that I had when I was your age—a good luck charm so strong that I figure it can cancel out any bad luck that I might bring."

  Slowly she reached into the pocket of the chenille robe and felt the smooth, perfect roundness of the stone that Cord had given her so long ago. Once it had been a talisman for a scared, confused little girl. It was time its protective magic was put back to use. Julia drew the stone out of her pocket and held it in her open palm.

  "Take it. It's yours now."

  A small hand reached out toward hers and touched the cool stone with minute fingertips. The next moment Lizbet's fingers closed around the rock and whisked it to the safety of her own jeans' pocket. Julia let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

  "I'm kind of hungry—how about you? If you want, we can go up to the house and I bet I can get Uncle Cord to make us both some of his famous buttermilk pancakes. He's a way better cook than I am."

  It was going to be a long time before she'd be able to coax a giggle out of that serious little mouth, Julia told herself. Right now it was enough to see the pinched, white look replaced for a split second by the tentative flicker of a smile. She held out her hand, feeling somehow as if she was facing the biggest and most important test of her whole life.

  "It's pretty dark in here. I'm going to need you to hold on tight to keep me from falling into the lake."

  Through the cracks in the boathouse walls came a thin shaft of dawn light, enough so that she could see the heart-shaped face looking at her doubtfully. Then the two silky wings of red hair swung forward as Lizbet nodded silently. The little hand was cold as it slipped into hers and gripped tightly.

  "Your mom was my best friend, honey."

  Juli
a's whisper was uneven. Somewhere deep inside her she felt a painfully sweet sensation, as if a patch of ground that had been parched for too long had suddenly been split by the slender green shoot of a seedling. Despite the tears that prickled behind her lashes, she kept her eyes on Lizbet's hesitant blue gaze but when she spoke again her words were so soft she almost could have been talking to herself.

  "I think she'd like it that we're finally getting to know each other."

  * * *

  Chapter 4

  «^»

  He'd gotten about as much sleep as she had, Julia thought distractedly the next morning—a couple of hours, maybe less—but at least she'd done her tossing and turning in her own bed. The obviously weary man in front of her had wrapped himself up in an old quilt, pulled one of the ancient overstuffed armchairs from the living room into the hall and had catnapped outside of Davey's room.

  Despite the sun it was early in the season, and although by mid-June the earth itself would have absorbed enough warmth to dispel the last cold dampness of spring, right now the breeze blowing off the lake still held more than a hint of its northern origins, and the distinct green scent of the nearby pines sharpened the atmosphere like tiny slivers of ice. The trees on the property—the hickories, maples and the massive old oak that shaded the house in the summer—had leafed out, but their foliage hadn't thickened to the dense canopy that it would create in a few more weeks. Through the tangle of branches above, the sky looked like well-bleached denim. Julia stopped by a grove of tamaracks that had once provided an almost Oriental background to a long-vanished rock garden.

  "What are we going to do about Lizbet?"

  She flicked a quick glance over her shoulder at the house. The child was still sleeping, and King had been left on guard in her room in case she awoke. Earlier Cord had told her that he'd informed Sheila's mother last night that he had her granddaughter, and Betty Wilson, devastated by the news she'd just received, had been all too grateful that the child was with them. Betty had been battling cancer, Julia knew, and even if she hadn't been stricken with grief she was no longer able to care for her beloved Lizbet.

  "I've thought about that. Since Dad moved some friends of mine have been living in our old place down the road. Dad said the place held too many memories of Mom for him to want to sell it." Cord's voice held affection. "Anyway, Mary and Frank Whitefield will take Lizbet in for as long as we need to keep her out of sight. I don't want her around while we're trying to track down her parents' killer."

  He bent down and pulled a tuft of dried choke grass out of the garden, revealing a pale green spear pushing stubbornly through the dead weeds. "My father planted these for your mother one year," he said softly, clearing the earth around the shoot.

  With a gentle thumb he touched the young plant, and then he straightened up and sighed, still not looking at her directly. "I didn't like it out in California. It wasn't home."

  Julia knew what he meant without him spelling it out. He hadn't just grown up in New York State, he had his roots here, and they went back a lot farther than the Mayflower. Part of him had always seemed inexorably bound to a more elemental way of life, and in the past, coming back to this place where his family had lived for generations had seemed to be a necessary ritual of renewal for him. He would blend in anywhere, she thought, and if he had to he would find a way to survive in a desert. But his soul would always thirst for a sunrise over a still lake, the dark red blur of cardinals against a snowy bough in the dusk, the crumbly feel of lichen on granite underfoot.

  "La-La Land too rich for your blood?" she asked negligently, not wanting him to know how closely attuned she still was to his thoughts. "All those California babes—didn't you have even the slightest urge to kick loose a little and enjoy yourself?"

  As soon as the words left her lips she wished she could take them back. Indulging her almost desperate need to know what had happened to him over the last two years—whether he'd met anyone, if he'd fallen in love—was an area that had to be out of bounds if she had any hope of hanging onto her self-control while he was around. She couldn't let things get personal between them. She was no good at personal anymore.

  "It's none of my business anyway," she added swiftly, but she was too late. Cord rubbed the dirt from his hand carelessly against the seam of his jeans.

  "You've got to be crazy," he said. His tone was conversational and uninflected. "I only ever loved one woman, and that was you. Did you think that would change just because there was a continent between us? Did you really think I wouldn't be hearing your voice, seeing your face—for God's sake—smelling the scent of your skin every waking hour that I was away from you?"

  He spoke as quietly as he always did and he made no move to touch her. He stood there, solid and big and about as flighty as the damned oak tree arching protectively over the house behind him, and she stared at him, unable to think of a single thing to say in reply.

  "I met a man one night in a bar." His low voice overrode her thoughts. "He said his people could shape shift and that he himself had flown like an eagle across mountain peaks. He'd had too much to drink, and maybe I had, too. But while he was talking I believed him, and all I could think was that I wanted to shape shift, too, to take on the wings of some bird strong enough to fly day and night until I was back with you again. I thought I would land on your window ledge and look into your room and make sure you were sleeping and safe, and then I would rise into the moonlight again and fly away before you awoke."

  One corner of his mouth lifted unexpectedly in a smile. Reaching out, he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and then let his palm linger gently on the shape of her skull. "Like I said, I was a little drunk. I remember walking up stiff and cold on a hill hours later and feeling sure that I really had become that eagle and had seen you, but I never could make it happen again. So I dreamed about you instead. I had you in my arms every night."

  She didn't want to hear any more. "I don't believe in magic Cord. And if you held anyone in your arms at night, she was a fantasy woman." Her eyes met his steadily. "Whatever there once was between us is over. I tried to tell you that two years ago. If you won't accept it I don't see how we can work together on finding out who killed Paul and Sheila."

  "I could accept it if it was the truth. But you're lying to me I still can't look at you without needing you so bad I'd crawl over ten miles of rough road on my hands and knees to get to you, and whether you admit it or not, you want me, too, Julia." His fingers slid under her hair to the nape of her neck. "But go ahead and prove me wrong if you think you can. Kiss me."

  Her breath caught in her throat with a noise that sounded more like a startled gasp than the laugh she'd attempted. "Kiss you? What's that supposed to—"

  "Kiss me like it means nothing." He drew her slightly closer to him, his fingertips warm against the fine bones at the back of her neck.

  With heightened awareness, she could feel the coarser texture of the last few grains of soil still remaining on his hand. He was leaving his fingerprints on her, she thought foolishly, and as soon as the ridiculous notion entered her mind it was followed by a rush of desire so raw and unexpected that it felt as if the air around her had turned to warm water, immediately drenching the cotton sweater and the jeans she was wearing and soaking through to her skin. Cord's mouth was only inches from hers.

  "All we've got is history, Cord," she said tightly. "Let's leave it at that." Her body was tense against his touch.

  He exhaled softly, still holding her gaze. Shifting position slightly so that he was blocking the sun from her eyes, he shook his head and let the ghost of a smile cross his defeated features.

  "My God, you're one mule-headed woman. Why couldn't you have held on to what we had just as stubbornly?"

  He let his hand slide from the back of her neck and shrugged, that ironic smile still lifting one corner of his mouth. A crazy mixture of relief and disappointment swept through her, but she forced herself to concentrate on the former instead of th
e latter. He started to turn away, and suddenly her limbs felt like lead.

  Then he stopped and turned back to face her. His eyes were unreadable.

  "Hell, no. Not this time." With one fluid movement, he bridged the space between them, pulling her to him so swiftly that she had no chance to react. "Good God, I just have to have this," he muttered, his mouth coming down on hers.

  She could taste salt on his top lip and the same sweat slicked her exposed skin where the vee neckline of her sweater dipped as he gathered her to his chest, his arm tightening around her. With his other hand he pushed her hair from her temple, his opened fingers sliding through it until they reached the back of her head, and then spreading wider. Individual sensations fell away, overwhelmed by the shock of sudden mindless need that tore through her.

  She'd first kissed him when she'd been seventeen and he'd been twenty-two. Now it was ten years later, and if she'd had to guess a few seconds ago, she would have said that after all the years of intimacy between them there was nothing about Cord Hunter that was unfamiliar to her. She couldn't have been more wrong, Julia thought incoherently.

  Never, not even in the last few months of their relationship when everything had been falling apart, had he ever seemed to forget the physical disparity between them, and his size and strength had always been downplayed when he'd been with her. But this kiss was different from anything she'd experienced with him in the past—harder and hotter, his mouth open against hers with an almost adolescent lack of finesse. Once he'd been able to maintain some semblance of control even at the height of their lovemaking. Now not only had he lost that control, but he seemed to have forgotten any subtlety he'd ever possessed. All that was left was urgency.